It's really sad to say this but I don't have any friends.
Other people having their own set of close friends just piss me off.
My own friends who I thought were close to me just really piss me off right now.
I didn't even do anything wrong and they just don't talk to me nor do they invite me to their little hangouts anymore.
Just seeing pictures of them having fun and I imagine myself in those pictures with them just makes me sad then angry.
I just feel like I have been used for nothing.
And now I have no friends.

So life is just horrible now. I'd rather just die and go on being dead the rest of my dead life. LOL
I got kicked out for apparent reason. I didn't do anything wrong.
My mom is just being a psychotic bitch. I keep thinking to myself, what did I do wrong?
I didn't do anything wrong!
What did I do to make this life I'm living so crappy?
Nothing!
It's all my mom's fault.
My dad and I have an understanding which is very peculiar but thankful for.
I got kicked out, and now staying in Lancaster. I don't mind staying here when I can just come up here for 2 days, but for about a week and doing nothing makes me think OH MY GOD. I feel like a loser now.
Since I thought I was thinking ahead, I dropped out of school. Which makes me feel like a very big failure.
It was eventually gonna happen. I missed a ton of days of class, missed 2 tests, I might as well have failed my classes.
SUCH A FAILURE!
I don't know how I became like this. I used to be so motivated and "hard working"? Then just being with Derek more made me more lax and lazy. Not that I'm saying Derek's laziness has gotten to me, but I've just been like that recently.
Well I don't know where this shitty life is gonna take me, but I hope it gets better. I'm ready to just die.
BLAH
I don't know what to do. I feel like it was a mistake to come here. I should have just lived on the streets and die.

Hey Xanga!
I'm still sick. :P
I have been so girly these days. I blame it on the Greek. The TV show! LOL
I've been watching it non stop really, and it's getting to me.
It made me want to go to an actual university, and join a sorority! >w<
I have been so girly lingo!!
LOL DAMN these tv shows.
I have just been thinking. I guess I got .. not jealous, but bummed that Lorna got flowers from Hush when they have been together for less than a year, and I got no flowers and I've been with this guy for almost 3 years now.
Am I just being selfish? :/
All I ever wanted was to get flowers from a guy. Flowers that meant something.
Sure a guy gave me a bouquet of flowers the day of prom,m but that kind of doesn't count since he's dating a guy now. LOL
I think I ask for too much I guess.
Since Valentine's Day is coming up, I wasn't even asked to be anyone's valentine either. :<
I used to not have any hopes for Valentine's Day. I hated that day.
Why must I give into this day just because I have this guy.
I don't get anything. Love sucks.
Lose all hope.
Nothing is going to happen like it never does every Valentine's Day. It's true. Ever since Sophomore of high school. I released the anger of hatred towards Valentine's Day because some guy asked me to be him Valentine, but he stood me up. That bastard. I should have known.
Then Junior year, I met Derek, but he was a jack ass back then. So, nothing really happened I think. Besides going to a rave. Nothing special then he broke up with me to get with another girl in March. Which caused me to lose all trust and hope for that guy. I was really heart broken.
Then Senior year, nothing happened again. I don't know why, but I think schedules and stuff and stuff. IDK
But I know it was nothing.
This year, I bet you that nothing is going to happen again. Since I start school on V-day, which sucks, but that is why I wanted to go to Vegas for Valentine's Day weekend to make up for all the V-days that were crappy. I guess not, since we have no ride, no one is taking any stand to help, so all fails.
Valentine's Day is just cursed for me. That's all.
I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I'd do once I get flowers from an actual guy, but I just want flowers with special meaning. A special day like Valentine's Day with meaning. I know it's corny, but it's kind of what I want.
To be kidnapped and taken to go to the Observatory or a desert to see stars. And being serenaded, haha. Then talking in the dark candle lit night. Eating dinner or something under the stars only light the candles. And then boom! FLOWERS! What an amazing night that would be, but it'd never happen.
If I continue to stick with Derek, it'll never happen. He can't really financially nor romantically be that romantic. LOL
Yet I still love him for him. He makes me happy and knows how to have fun. I just wish he could randomly surprise me and be romantic, you know?
Oh well, I can't have everything I want. LOL
Sometimes I wonder when I'll move on and figure out what I want to do with my life. I don't have any motivation or passion to do anything. What I want to study in college is 3 different subjects! I am not confident in what I do, I guess. .___________________.
There's more to say, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet or put it up in the open public. I don't want to start anything.
Well, then good bye xanga!
Thanks for listening.